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A Cultural Guide to the Human Species, Grade Six- PLASTIC

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Index 38: Translation Notes

The Intergalactic Commission is proud to present the first self-translating edition of A Cultural Guide to the Human Species, Grade Six. Thanks to the Universal Linguist Cloud, the artificial intelligence tasked with translating this document to you can instantaneously decrypt unclear terms and difficult ideas into your native tongue. To change your requested language, currently set to ENGLISH, just

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Chapter 9- The Situation Gets Progressively Worse

Carla woke up with a problem. For the last two days, the young woman had been experiencing an enormous amount of stress, from fighting with her uncle to interdimensional travel to watching a man bleed to death in front of her. Besides all of that, everything that Carla had eaten in that time had been prepackaged and canned food- mostly beans and corn. On top of this, she’d spent a lot of the time dehydrated and moving around a lot more than most days. Of course, any dramatic change in stress, diet or level of exercise can lead to problems with one’s digestive system. And so it came to be that Carla had not used the bathroom since coming to the Lost Dimension.

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Chapter 8- Protection

In the land of Papyrus there exists quite a few cities. There are large cities, like Townsburg, Watson, Dewey Central, River Fun Land and whatnot. There are a few hidden communities, lost even to the Lost Dimension, such as Bielefeld, Agloe, Alfheim and North Dakota. Far more common than either of these, however, are abandoned buildings and vestiges of towns with no known origin. Whenever something or somebody goes missing, it is likely to be found somewhere in this lost world. Nobody knows why, although there are theories, but the important thing about lost structures is that someday, in some strange way, they will be found.

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The Red and the Rest, Chapter 7- Conflict Resolution

It was late afternoon on the tenth of the month, the first day that everyday civilians traveled from Earth to Papyrus, when Mel finally saw some sign that he and his niece might ever return home. Lying in the woods in the center of a nearly-overgrown and then recently traveled path that the two had found themselves on was a torn up piece of stained cloth. Mel picked it up and sniffed at the red stain to confirm his suspicions.

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The Red and the Rest, Chapter 6- Orientation

The sun rose.

It was not the same sun as Mel and Carla had seen the previous day. Sure, it was just as bright and warm and far away from the planet, but the planet itself was not one either of the Okabes had ever seen. A few hours beforehand, after a lengthy debate which had been wiped from their memories, the young woman and her uncle had landed in a warm, soft hill of fabric and fallen asleep almost instantly, exhausted from the events of the previous day.

Carla woke up first. Eyes still squeezed shut, she reached up and around to where her hat usually was, right on top of the dresser. The hat was not there. The dresser was not there either. What was there was a sock.

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A Cultural Guide to the Human Species, Grade Six- On Beings

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On Beings

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Chapter 5: Where My Hat Is At?

Maybe she’d acted a bit too quickly.

Carla did not have grandparents, at least not any she’d ever met, but from what she’d learned of her family their fatal flaw was a penchant for rash decisions. Her mother had been kicked out of the house for getting pregnant and her father, well, he’d gotten her pregnant in the first place. Then he had to go and die, leaving Carla nothing but his genes.

Well, that and the hat. There was always the hat, except when it wasn’t there, and that was now. Because like an idiot, Carla had decided to blow up at her uncle and storm out without taking her dad’s old hat.

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Chapter 4: Child Psychology

“Uncle Mel, what’s wrong?” Carla poked her uncle in the chest. The hamburger hat on her head mirrored her movements, nearly poking Mel in the eye with its meaty little fingers. Shock can be paralyzing, but a good way to get over it is to have a hamburger hat puppet thing poke at you. That hat had never been Mel’s favorite when Carla was a kid, but it was worse now, drawing way too much attention to his niece now that she was a young woman. It was also sort of unnerving, between the cartoonish eyes and the fact that it often mirrored its wearer’s movements. Thus Mel shook himself out of his daze and forced himself to answer.

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A Cultural Guide to the Human Species, Grade Six- Introduction

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Greetings, Student and Traveler! Thank you for purchasing grade six of the Tenth Edition of the Official Cultural Guide to those lonely, unique Beings, the Human Species! In this guide you will find:

-updated findings on human history

-a complete guide to unique human accomplishments

-why the human failed to survive and join the Intergalactic Commission

… and many more fun and fantastic facts about the human species! To begin learning about the Beings who once ruled the planet EARTH, just enter any topic of your choosing! But first, some important notes about EARTH. It is important to understand how the human planet functioned, especially as it impacted the biology and culture of humans and the non-being EARTH animals that surrounded them.

The EARTH was a small, blue planet (about 0.4 percent of standard planetary mass) in a cluster known to inhabitants as the SOLAR SYSTEM. The SOLAR SYSTEM was named after their star, commonly called THE SUN, SOL or HELIOS. It contained about eight planets, of which EARTH was the only one to develop life. Even so, EARTH took quite a while to become habitable for any species, complex life notwithstanding.

For most of its existence, EARTH was covered in water. Thus, most of its species came to depend on water for most biochemical processes. One striking example is the FISH, a classification of animal which spent its entire life in water and died in any other environment. By far the most common classification of animal on EARTH was the INSECT, also called BUG. BUGs were small animals even by EARTH standards, so they often took advantage of watery environments to store and move food, eggs and shelter. AMPHIBIANs were fish that spent the latter parts of their life near water instead of under its surface. Other EARTH species, such as the classification REPTILE and certain MAMMALs, had adaptions to hold and conserve water with their bodies.

Soon after they began dominating the planet, humans discovered that most of the planet was covered in water. Particularly large, salinated bodies of water were called OCEANs. Because humans could only live on land, they claimed separate landmasses as CONTINENTs, each with unique assortments of cultures that we exo-anthropologists still use to this day. Even the CONTINENTS contained bodies of water. Because humans required non-salinated water for nourishment and preferred watery environments in general for transportation and FISHING purposes, most human population centers formed around sources of water.

As you may have noticed, EARTH had a wealth of different classifications of animal, even disregarding the human tendency toward categorization. Each of these classes contained thousands of species. This is because although EARTH was small, it had a wealth of differing environs. Due to its tilted axis and strange atmosphere, EARTH had both warm and cold areas along with many areas whose climates went through drastic changes over the course of the year. For example, the EARTH civilization AUSTRALIA would go through cold weather while the civilization known as RUSSIA would go through warm spells and vice versa, even though the mean temperature of RUSSIA was much colder than that of AUSTRALIA. In addition, the majority of EARTH became overrun with plant life that would drastically change the habitat of its fauna, most commonly TREEs, ALGAE and GRASS. Because water is a polar chemical, many different reactions meant the majority of the elements formed naturally on the EARTH, further diversifying it.

EARTH’s atmosphere is also exceptionally interesting and useful for life. Because of its rich oxygen content, EARTH air was an extremely easy environment to create and maintain fire. Most of the rest of EARTH’s air is made up of stabilized, neutral nitrogen, allowing for safe experimentation with most chemical reactions. Humans were thus able to practice chemistry easily, especially allowing for their famous breakthroughs regarding fire. As an interesting aside, the composition of the EARTH atmosphere in combination with their small, yellow star meant that the EARTH sky was blue. Stellar radiation that passed through the atmosphere has recently been found to be a factor in the differing skin colors found in humans.

In short, the EARTH was a perfect spot for developing a variety of species and climates. Humans were thus a very creative species, using most animals for food or labor and adapting to different amounts of heat and water in their daily lives. While almost every CONTINENT had examples of each classification of EARTH animal, only humans came to live on every single one. Thus, much of what makes human culture interesting is the fact that, even though the species population only grew to a few billions, there were thousands of vastly differing civilizations on EARTH at any given time in their short history.

Before you continue in this guide, please answer the following questions about relevant terms in this chapter. An exo-anthropologist is you!

  1. Given EARTH’s mass, how would you adjust to the gravity? Would it be lower or higher than the gravity of your own home planet?
  2. All EARTH animals, including humans, require water to survive. What other beings have this trait? What would a hydrophobic being need to do to live on EARTH?
  3. One human idiom was “a FISH out of water”. What do you think this idiom means?
  4. Humans could see several planets and thousands of stars even before inventing refraction technology. How could this have helped or hindered their short phase of interplanetary exploration?
  5. Humans are the only Beings to have evolved on EARTH. Why do you think this is?

Thank you for reading the Introduction. Enter the next topic you would like to explore below.

Topic found: On Beings

Chapter 3: Past and Present

A large black man shut off the TV. Through the orange jumpsuit a network of tattoos peeked out. Visible on the fingers of his large left hand were four letters from some semi-literate tattoo artist spelling out D-E-T-H. The man let out a frustrated sigh of relief and turned to the group to discuss politics. “He just keep going to all these schools tryna keep up appearances. When y’all think the big man gonna come down here?”

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