The Man Who Couldn’t Stop Peeing

So I wake up one day and I’m pissing the bed and honestly it’s freaking me out because, you know, I’m a grown man. I have control of these things. I dart off to the bathroom and after I’m over the toilet and all I’m fine, you know?

But I’m not because it doesn’t stop. I’m just standing there, peeing. I try to stop the flow, you know, hold it in, pinch it off, and I can last maybe half a second before boom here it goes again. So I switch to sitting down and by now I know something must be wrong because I’ve been peeing for at least five minutes here and I’m not feeling any sort of relief.

My phone is all the way over by my bed, though.

So I’m sitting here peeing for what has to be like half an hour. I live alone. I have nothing else I can do. I gotta call in to work. I gotta call the hospital. I gotta get some help. And finally I realize that what with the trail I left getting into the bathroom and the dirty sheets everything is already at least partially soaked in urine anyway so whatever I guess I’ll just risk it and call 911.

They didn’t believe me. The 911 person thought I was a prank caller because of course I sounded like a prank caller and 911 must get this crap all the time. Finally on my fifth try I get the same person and they ask why I keep doing this and by now it isn’t funny to say so I’m practically crying saying I can’t stop peeing.

The ambulance gets to my house so I leave the toilet, which I’ve flushed at least 50 times, to answer the door. I don’t want to even think about pulling my pants on over the stream so I answer with my penis hanging out and still peeing. By now it’s sore, not just the head but the urethra and something deep inside my bladder and I can’t even imagine where the problem began.

But I just can’t stop peeing.

Long story short, they stick some poor intern over me with a few bed pans and get me to the hospital, still with my pants around my legs. Everyone in the ambulance needs a shower by now but really all I can worry about is myself. I go straight through E.R. and they have me knocked out before I can even ask questions.

I wake up and I feel strange and I realize there’s finally no flow of warm liquid coming out of my penis, so obviously I’m happy until I look up and see that they’ve loaded me with a catheter. There are like a dozen bags hooked up to it and a nurse working at replacing them one after another.

Then they see I’m up and they make me drink a few really big containers of water because I’ve been peeing for hours now. I try to rehydrate but it pretty much makes me sick to drink so much water so they say I can stop. No matter how much I’m peeing, it’s like I still don’t get any thirstier or feel dehydrated.

After a couple of days and several hundred bags of my pee even though I’m eating and drinking normally, the doctors say they checked my liver and my bladder and everything and they can’t find a single thing wrong with me. Besides that, my insurance won’t pay for any more of this nonsense and I’m needed at work so I have to leave.

They give me a few bags to hook up to the catheter and let me keep it after I shell out a few hundred bucks but after that I’m all on my own.

I go to work and they won’t accommodate me and I’m fired and I can’t sue for disability because there’s no such thing as a guy who can’t stop peeing. I go to register for unemployment but I have to replace my catheter every fifteen minutes or so and they won’t let me dump out urine inside of the Secretary of State’s office so I can’t do that. I tried to do it online but I knew it wouldn’t work because I had to put a reason I can’t work on the form and my condition didn’t exist.

After a while I just stopped drinking water. I stopped consuming any liquid for about two weeks. Even if I wasn’t dumping out dozens of gallons of urine I still would have been dehydrated, but it never happened. It was like it kept me hydrated even though I was being drained.

By then I’d been peeing for like five months and pretty much all of my friends had stopped talking to me and even my parents couldn’t really do anything because there wasn’t enough room for me to live at home.

I ran out of money. I couldn’t pay for my house and I couldn’t sell it because it smelled like urine. I was evicted. I couldn’t go to a homeless shelter because I had gallons of pee with me at all times and nobody was comfortable with that.

So I lived on the street and I started begging so that I would have money for food but nobody would give me anything because I was a gross hobo who couldn’t stop peeing.

My teeth fell out. My hair followed. I was barely eating anything and I lost all my fat and muscle and bits of my skin, flake by flake. Eventually all I owned was one pair of clothes and my catheter bags and I couldn’t sell those.

Then one day I woke up and the ground around me was dry.

And that was that.

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